Anxiety

You never really come to understand what other people are going through until you've dealt with it yourself. 

I've had problems with anxiety for as long as I can remember. I don't know why I'm only just trying to figure out what's going on with me. My internet searches have revealed to me just how 'common' a problem it is. I'm surprised at how many people struggle with anxiety daily. 

I'm hopeful that I can be set free from it. I don't like to be dependent on medications but I realize that of I need to take them I'll just have to. I'm also trying to accept me as I am, weaknesses and all. I've got lots of strengths too! So I'll celebrate those even as I accept those things I can't control. 

Who knows what my experience with anxiety can lead to. All things ultimately work together for good. 

Acceptance

I must accept and love myself as I am. I must accept my life the way it is. I must stop fighting and trying to figure out things or even to change stuff, and just accept things.

I am miserable and not living in peace and that is not right. And it happens with me trying to figure out and change things. Me trying to figure out why I feel so sick in the mornings. Me trying to figure out what to do. Me trying to figure out whether I should stay or go.

There are things that are out of our control, and that can be frustrating. But what if I can just go with the flow and work on what I can? Sometimes I feel so sick when I stand before the class. I still have to smile and pretend like everything is OK. But what if I don't pretend? What if I can just accept that I am not well and be true to what I'm feeling?

Perhaps it is due to the fact that in this job you're always expected to show a happy face. You're always expected to smile. And then you can't even really say what you feel. Your language ability can only cover the basics. How would I say, "you know I'm not feeling well, I feel dizzy, I feel weak."

I only felt encouraged one day after finishing my classes despite how I was feeling, when I thought to myself that, "you know, I've always had a problem with anxiety. I get sweaty hands if I'm doing some sort of business transaction or sometimes even during a class. So maybe this is just me. Thankfully, I've still been able to get things done. I still do well."

You know how the Bible says, His strength is made perfect in our weakness? Well, the more I think about what I've been able to accomplish and how far I've come despite some stuff, is the more I'm able to appreciate God's presence and power in my life. I just see how He's been helping me and encouraging me and blessing me. He's held my hand through it all. Thank You, Daddy.

So, yep this is me. I am a shy girl who is usually hidden behind the scenes, who usually prefers to be by herself. I don't usually make friends that easily nor do I have a large number of followers. I get anxious when I go out to work. But it's OK. I'm the beloved daughter of Jesus Christ.

I know that there are people everywhere who have to put on a brave, happy face even when they are secretly hurting and feeling pain. God sees you. You might not be able to change your situation. It might help to accept what is, acknowledge and be thankful of how far you've come despite the difficulties, and hope for better days. I do hope to not have anxious mornings, and sometimes I don't! But in the meantime, I want to stop beating up on myself and just embrace whatever comes while giving thanks.

Acceptance makes me less afraid of trying something new. I know that I can still move forward even if my anxious feelings are still there.

Anxiety: Out!

The truth shall set you free. My truth is I've got a problem with anxiety and I need a way out.

A few weeks ago, it dawned on me that I have been feeling sick for every single morning that I have to go out to work. I am fine on other days. I've been just going with it but one morning in particular, it just struck me, "Hey, what is going on here?" My mind has since gone on a spree to figure out the answer to the question.

I began wondering about my job. Is it time for a change? For a long time, I've been saying that I need a break. And well, one came when hubby and I had to go to the Philippines a few weeks ago. I felt better after we came back but I still felt like something was missing.

I was teaching a class one day and it came to me that I have some how lost the desire and love that I had in the beginning. I smiled to myself and realized how true it was. But the more I thought about the anxiety, the more I realized that I am anxious about pretty much anything. Sad! I realized that I am not confident about pretty much anything. Sad!

A swarm of thoughts about the possible reasons behind my anxious feelings have surely swept over me. I have nailed it down to these: my confidence, stresses of my job and my future in Japan. You know, it helps to be honest with yourself and to just let things out. It's like one morning this week as I was getting dressed for work, I remembered something that happened to me. I was at an elementary school and a student came to get me for class. It was my first time to go to that class. The child began blurting out, "Kowai. Kowai". That means scary. I realized how things like that have formed possible walls in my heart and I don't realize it. I wasn't angry at the child. I was angry at the adults. It took place in the presence of the teachers and not one of them said anything!! Now this happened maybe two or three years ago, but all of a sudden I remembered it. I've also realized that my schedule sometimes causes me distress. One ALT having to go to three schools. One ALT to service hundreds of students. I think the teachers making the schedule don't even get it. Then they want you to smile away every single moment of the day. Anyhoo….

I have been trying to look at the good points of my job, though. Hubby reminded me one night this week how I wasn't even going to apply for this current position. The deadline had passed. The Board of Education had however, extended the deadline. God gave me this job. You know, I have a job that pays me good money. It is 'good' money in the sense that, I can pay my bills, do things for my self, help my family and save. Oh, I can also travel! Lest I forget our recent trip to the Philippines! And although it does get tiring, sometimes all that is required is to stand in the class and smile. And then there are times when 'real' work is required like on elementary school days when everything is left up to you.

So! At the moment, I am trying to be careful about what decisions I make because of how I'm feeling. When you're in the middle of a 'crisis', you might do something that you regret. What's worse is moving away from the purpose that God has for you. Remembering His promises to you is gonna be crucial.

Living this way is definitely not God's will for me. Getting rid of whatever fears and worries that are hiding in my innermost thoughts and subconscious mind is kinda what I'm working on.

Anxiety: Out!


Some pics from Manila below :)

                              Mode of transportation called a Jeepney. Thought they were pretty cool!

                                                                   hahahaha

At the Greenbelt Mall in Makati City. One day!

                                                      In the lobby about to say goodbye to Manila

Cross. Angry. Miserable.

Well, yesterday was payday! Thank God for work. This past week, I had reason to rejoice when three students at my school who participated in an English Speech Contest received individual first prizes, and the school also received the overall first prize. I wasn't able to attend the competition. When I arrived at work yesterday, the Vice Principal showed me the trophy and told me thank you. I appreciated that.


In other good news, I felt like I was about to catch a cold. But when I wanted to worry about it, I felt like God said to me, "Have a little faith." So I did what I could which was to have two raw pegs of garlic which I cut finely and had with my dinner. The next morning, the stuffy feeling in my nose was gone. Yay! God cares about every little area of our lives. My husband and I ate raw garlic with our dinner everyday during the last winter period and neither of us got sick. That was my first sick-free winter since I've lived in Japan. Garlic rocks!


         

Now on to why I was feeling cross, angry and miserable. Far too often I feel as if I'm up one day and down the next. Fear. Doubt. Anxiety. They are the primary culprits. So I said, "NO SAH. Dis nuh right." I felt annoyed at the way I was feeling. You know, I don't like feeling down. Who does, right? So I had to get cross, angry and miserable with the constant negative thoughts and emotions. I thought about how I was feeling and I said:-

1. Life is life. You will have highs and lows. No big deal.

2. Fear is just simply: False Evidence Appearing Real. Plain LIE. 












3. Why not for once believe the best about myself?

4. Not by might. Nor by power. But by God's Spirit.














I was also reminded that:-

"Behold! I have given you authority and power to trample upon serpents and scorpions, and physical and mental strength and ability over all the power that the enemy possesses; and nothing shall in any way harm you." Luke 10:19.

Well, what can I say, I made it through the rest of the day quite well. :)