Perfect Love

All the years that the cankerworm has stolen is being returned to me (Joel 2: 25). I believe that I made a critical discovery about me. I can see how the enemy has used the very way that God made me against me. Thank You Lord for this discovery.

One of the things I read about the melancholic is that he tends to be passive. I must fight to not just allow negative thoughts and emotions to weary me down. I have a choice; I can choose the types of things to think about. I already have the power over all the power of the enemy. I already have a sound mind. I am already more than a conquerer. 

Now let me say that I am not saying that passivity is from God. That's one of the weak points of the melancholic personality. But let's say that I'm not necessarily the aggressive type. There's nothing wrong with that. But then sometimes things happen, like someone being unkind to me. But because I'm not the type to fight back, it would seem like the enemy orchestrates many of these moments where I end up feeling defeated. In other words, my 'soft' personality has often been used against me. It would have been helpful for me to have learned to stand up for myself and not just play the role of a victim. I say learn because I wasn't born with a 'tell-it-to-your-face', 'don't-you-dare-treat-me-like-that' personality. Hope you're getting what I'm saying. LOL

Anyhoo, these days I've been meditating on this: 

There is no fear in love [dread does not exist], but full-grown (complete, perfect) love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror! For fear brings with it the thought of punishment, and [so] he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love [is not yet grown into love's complete perfection]. (1 John 4:18 AMP). 

I'm beginning to have a greater understanding of what this scripture means. I'm learning to apply it to me. It kinda fits in with what I'm discovering about me. A part of this 'soft' me is sometimes afraid to express herself. Sometimes the words won't come out, or don't come out right. It's a part of what I was trying to explain earlier. If I have been mistreated, I am afraid of telling you that you did. But even where no mistreatment took place, if I need to make a request, I don't know how to. Plain simply, I'm afraid to ask. I am now seeing that I even have this same fear if I need to talk to God about things or ask Him for things. "Fear brings with it the thought of punishment" were the words that sprang out at me the most. And this is because I wonder if God will be mad at me for saying this or doing that. 

I can see how I have been changing even prior to my rediscovery of this scripture and my gaining more understanding about it. I can see how I had been operating out of fear. I can only look forward to the best that's yet to come as I begin to operate in its principles. 

Unnu tek care!

Brag and Boast

When I used to write in my diary, I wrote whatever was on my mind without thinking twice. Now that I know that I'll be sharing these thoughts, it makes me think about what I'm writing. LOL. I wonder, do I really want to share this? What will people think of me? LOL. I am NOT the kind of person who does this type of thing. I am an extremely private person. If I have a problem, you'd probably never know. I keep it all locked up inside. Yup, that's just my personality.

Speaking of personality, I was thinking today that maybe my outlook on things has something to do with my personality. I remembered reading a book by Joyce Meyer entitled, 'Making Marriage Work', where she mentioned about personality types. I remembered something about the melancholic person. Hmmmm. I wonder. I realize that I tend to look at the glass as being half empty rather than half full. I realize that I am not necessarily the vibrant type. I realize that most of the time, it's as if I'm unhappy. But perhaps, it's not really unhappy, but just melancholy. LOL. But because I'm not jumping up and down all the time, I think that I'm being unhappy. Am I making sense to you?

In my previous post about, To Buy or Not to Buy, I was unsure of whether or not I wanted to buy the tablet/reader. I summed it up today that I realize that I really don't want to buy it because I am afraid that I'm still going to be that 'unhappy' person. In other words, I don't want to feel bad about having nice things but still feel like I'm unhappy. I don't want to get excited about it and then soon after go back to being so-so. LOL. It happens all the time. But then as I said, I'm wondering if it's really a case of being unhappy, or if it's just my personality. Now, if it really just who I am - quiet, reserved and not the overly 元気 (pronounced genki and refers to being cheerful) person -  then I really should just stop worrying and just work with it.

When I say work with it, I mean to not feel bad about myself. However, although I'll work with it, I can still work at becoming better at looking at the brighter side of things. Interestingly enough, as I wrote this diary entry today, I got up from my desk to do something, and saw, 'Always look at the brighter side of things' written on a towel on a teacher's desk! And so, in this blog post, I'm going to brag and boast a little. I am going to talk about some recent blessings.

I got a new credit card the other day. The one I had before was a Visa debit card from Ebank (now Rakuten). Oh what a blessing it was. Unfortunately, although it expires next year, the Visa function was discontinued. I had been trying to purchase something and although there was money on the card, I couldn't make the purchase. I couldn't figure out why until I happened to stumble on the explanation on Rakuten's website, saying that the Visa function had been discontinued. Thank God for Google Translate!

Now before I even knew that this was the case, one day I was out with a Japanese friend/student. She was doing some shopping in Apita. As I stood waiting for her, my eyes laid hold on a sign about the point card that the store offers. I have shopped at Apita many times before and I've always wondered about that card. So since I had some Japanese help, I asked her if she could help me sign up for one.

When we went to the customer service desk, I realized that what was being offered was a credit card that could also be used as a point card. I thought to myself, "Credit card? Ah, boy. Wonder if this will work." Other foreigners in Japan will probably understand my skepticism. It is said that it's pretty difficult to get a card here. Anyways, we proceeded with the application.

Fast forward to a couple of days later, I got a piece of mail from them. I didn't want to open the envelope because I feared bad news. (If all had been well, the card would not have been delivered in my mailbox; I would have had to sign for it). But, they were asking me to send them a copy of my alien registration card (Yes, foreigners are called aliens here. LOL). I sent them the information. Fast forward again to some days later, I got a call about the application. The lady wanted to verify the information I had provided, and I think in some way, to also check my Japanese ability because she even asked if I had filled out the form myself. I told her that a friend helped and she asked if I wrote my own name. Thankfully, I had done so! She even called my workplace and spoke with me on their phone line. I was going to get the card! Yay!

One day this week, I was giving God thanks for the new card when I thought about the cancellation of the Visa function of the other card. I recently concluded studies via the University of the West Indies' Summer and Online Masters Programme, where I pursued a Masters Degree in Educational Administration. (If Jamaican teachers here are interested in their online programmes, please see here. Tell them I recommended you :) ). Now in order to pay for my courses, I had to use a credit card. The long and short of the matter is that the cancellation was done after I finished my studying. I was therefore able to use the card when I needed it the most.

So, there you have it! かんしゃします！（Give thanks!)