A few weeks ago, it dawned on me that I have been feeling sick for every single morning that I have to go out to work. I am fine on other days. I've been just going with it but one morning in particular, it just struck me, "Hey, what is going on here?" My mind has since gone on a spree to figure out the answer to the question.
I began wondering about my job. Is it time for a change? For a long time, I've been saying that I need a break. And well, one came when hubby and I had to go to the Philippines a few weeks ago. I felt better after we came back but I still felt like something was missing.
I was teaching a class one day and it came to me that I have some how lost the desire and love that I had in the beginning. I smiled to myself and realized how true it was. But the more I thought about the anxiety, the more I realized that I am anxious about pretty much anything. Sad! I realized that I am not confident about pretty much anything. Sad!
A swarm of thoughts about the possible reasons behind my anxious feelings have surely swept over me. I have nailed it down to these: my confidence, stresses of my job and my future in Japan. You know, it helps to be honest with yourself and to just let things out. It's like one morning this week as I was getting dressed for work, I remembered something that happened to me. I was at an elementary school and a student came to get me for class. It was my first time to go to that class. The child began blurting out, "Kowai. Kowai". That means scary. I realized how things like that have formed possible walls in my heart and I don't realize it. I wasn't angry at the child. I was angry at the adults. It took place in the presence of the teachers and not one of them said anything!! Now this happened maybe two or three years ago, but all of a sudden I remembered it. I've also realized that my schedule sometimes causes me distress. One ALT having to go to three schools. One ALT to service hundreds of students. I think the teachers making the schedule don't even get it. Then they want you to smile away every single moment of the day. Anyhoo….
I have been trying to look at the good points of my job, though. Hubby reminded me one night this week how I wasn't even going to apply for this current position. The deadline had passed. The Board of Education had however, extended the deadline. God gave me this job. You know, I have a job that pays me good money. It is 'good' money in the sense that, I can pay my bills, do things for my self, help my family and save. Oh, I can also travel! Lest I forget our recent trip to the Philippines! And although it does get tiring, sometimes all that is required is to stand in the class and smile. And then there are times when 'real' work is required like on elementary school days when everything is left up to you.
So! At the moment, I am trying to be careful about what decisions I make because of how I'm feeling. When you're in the middle of a 'crisis', you might do something that you regret. What's worse is moving away from the purpose that God has for you. Remembering His promises to you is gonna be crucial.
Living this way is definitely not God's will for me. Getting rid of whatever fears and worries that are hiding in my innermost thoughts and subconscious mind is kinda what I'm working on.
Anxiety: Out!
Some pics from Manila below :)
At the Greenbelt Mall in Makati City. One day!
No comments:
Post a Comment